i've started noticing

the moment i start to put my hear into anything it falls apart. i start to feel for someone and they walk away. i open myself up and suddenly i'm the bad guy. am i not supposed to feel then? not supposed to have a hard time? am i supposed to be this sugar coated sweetheart that smiles while her heart bleeds? apparently i'm not supposed to be me even when i've had enough and all the walls come crumbling down. i get stressed out and suddenly i'm the worst bitch in the world. i get insecure and suddenly thats nto allowed anymore. time to change the subject back to how horrible i am, or the fact that its all my fault. no time for tess to be hurt, jsut gotta act liek she has done all the hurting. its all her fault, she made this mess. lets be sure to add a few more knives to her back. make sure she knows that everyone is leaving and not coming back. shes gotta learn to be lil miss sunshine so lets hurt her some more. i dont' care if i sound lik ei'm wallowing in self pity. you know what its my turn. i have been dealt one blow right after the other this year. one right after the other. i barely get tiem to enjoy the good stuff anymore. i'm jsut suppsoed to go on pretending i'm ok though. that nothing has gone wrong, no lies have been told no hurt dealt. all this while dealing with a deployment school a new house, not to mention my kid who has been basically sick for the past month and a half. lets not forget that shall we. or the part where i was sick fro a week. hey lets throw in i may be failing biology because i can't take a damn test. and everyone wonders why i get to being so bitchy. its nto like i haven't warned you guys i am a bitch. its part of me so deep there is noescaping it. it gets even worse when i'm pushed to my limits. like when keegan has had a fever of 103 or higher every night since sunday and for the past 10 hours or so has been fussing and crying unless i'm holding him. here let me throw in a few lies from peopel i care about, having things thrown in my face for god knows what reason. oh and the part where i'm trying to buy a condo. but if i cry i'm weak and can't take care of myself. depsite doign exactly that. despite waking up wiht a migraine and a soggy pillow. oh and hey guess what let me mention that part about migraines...and how i have had one nearly every day fro over a month and the doctor says there is nothign wrong. so excuuuuuuse me fro having a hard time dealing and coping with everything. forgive me if i dont' forgive all your damn flaws that directly affect me. so sorry i can't give an answer that si rushed and unthought out. jsut pardon my dust as i try to evolve into somethign better and smooth out all my flaws while somethign is always poking holes in the canvas. hey guess what i'm human, i get hurt i have insecurities. and to top it all off i'm falling apart even as i try to put myself back together. yes i'm having a pity party but damnit i deserve one. been holding it all botlled up so fuck that noise. you want to know the big fun thigns that really hurt? people not tellign me the truth in the beginning, then doing crazy things that are only kinda logical because i dind't give them what they wanted ( at elast thats how the timing makes it look) someone basically telling me all i do is hsurt them all the time and make their life hell pretty much. yay how exciting to hear that online instead of to my face...how original. oh and the kicker? jason? he can't even tell me i'm beautiful...because if he did it woudl be a lie. i think that above all is the hardest blow to take. that i'm nto good enough, i guess thats what all these hurts boil down to though. not being good enough. liek always, i'm jsut not enough. being me isn't good enough, trying my hardest isn't hard enough. my love isn't enough. its whatever. guess i ahev some paperwork to shred because looks like i suddenly only have one option now. stay. because leaving is a dark void now. used to have hope there were brighter days ahead , guess i'll jsut have to take what i get. maybe one day he'll love me fro me again. apparently hes' the only one left who will. even if it hurts me guess its better than some of the other options out there. yay!



to whoever reads this sorry i'm really hurt and really confused right now. too many blows in too little time. bam bam bam KO. yay! boils down to
i'm not good enough for anyone
my answers are not fast enough
i'm not supposed to feel or have insecurities
i'm too much of a bitch (depsite me warning of that very thing)
i'm jsut not pretty enough to be beautiful
this is my pity party for one
apparently i'm so easy to leave you dont' even have to walk away in front of me. one or two sentences online is good enough or hell in a text
its ok to lie to me i forgive you anyway
thats fine go ahead twist that knife harder i'll forgive you in the end
even all i am is not enough
no one ever wants the rough edges they jsut want miss merry sunshine
migraines = too much stress(so do sick babies and being sick for more than a week)
i hate crying i really do
its three am and i have class in 6 hours
i hurt and i can't figure out how to make it better this time.
i really want to go running in the rain
my bed is too big and empty

of course now i'm babbling and th ebaby is crying again...fuck this noise i'm going to bed.....bring on the soggy pillow