i've started noticing

the moment i start to put my hear into anything it falls apart. i start to feel for someone and they walk away. i open myself up and suddenly i'm the bad guy. am i not supposed to feel then? not supposed to have a hard time? am i supposed to be this sugar coated sweetheart that smiles while her heart bleeds? apparently i'm not supposed to be me even when i've had enough and all the walls come crumbling down. i get stressed out and suddenly i'm the worst bitch in the world. i get insecure and suddenly thats nto allowed anymore. time to change the subject back to how horrible i am, or the fact that its all my fault. no time for tess to be hurt, jsut gotta act liek she has done all the hurting. its all her fault, she made this mess. lets be sure to add a few more knives to her back. make sure she knows that everyone is leaving and not coming back. shes gotta learn to be lil miss sunshine so lets hurt her some more. i dont' care if i sound lik ei'm wallowing in self pity. you know what its my turn. i have been dealt one blow right after the other this year. one right after the other. i barely get tiem to enjoy the good stuff anymore. i'm jsut suppsoed to go on pretending i'm ok though. that nothing has gone wrong, no lies have been told no hurt dealt. all this while dealing with a deployment school a new house, not to mention my kid who has been basically sick for the past month and a half. lets not forget that shall we. or the part where i was sick fro a week. hey lets throw in i may be failing biology because i can't take a damn test. and everyone wonders why i get to being so bitchy. its nto like i haven't warned you guys i am a bitch. its part of me so deep there is noescaping it. it gets even worse when i'm pushed to my limits. like when keegan has had a fever of 103 or higher every night since sunday and for the past 10 hours or so has been fussing and crying unless i'm holding him. here let me throw in a few lies from peopel i care about, having things thrown in my face for god knows what reason. oh and the part where i'm trying to buy a condo. but if i cry i'm weak and can't take care of myself. depsite doign exactly that. despite waking up wiht a migraine and a soggy pillow. oh and hey guess what let me mention that part about migraines...and how i have had one nearly every day fro over a month and the doctor says there is nothign wrong. so excuuuuuuse me fro having a hard time dealing and coping with everything. forgive me if i dont' forgive all your damn flaws that directly affect me. so sorry i can't give an answer that si rushed and unthought out. jsut pardon my dust as i try to evolve into somethign better and smooth out all my flaws while somethign is always poking holes in the canvas. hey guess what i'm human, i get hurt i have insecurities. and to top it all off i'm falling apart even as i try to put myself back together. yes i'm having a pity party but damnit i deserve one. been holding it all botlled up so fuck that noise. you want to know the big fun thigns that really hurt? people not tellign me the truth in the beginning, then doing crazy things that are only kinda logical because i dind't give them what they wanted ( at elast thats how the timing makes it look) someone basically telling me all i do is hsurt them all the time and make their life hell pretty much. yay how exciting to hear that online instead of to my face...how original. oh and the kicker? jason? he can't even tell me i'm beautiful...because if he did it woudl be a lie. i think that above all is the hardest blow to take. that i'm nto good enough, i guess thats what all these hurts boil down to though. not being good enough. liek always, i'm jsut not enough. being me isn't good enough, trying my hardest isn't hard enough. my love isn't enough. its whatever. guess i ahev some paperwork to shred because looks like i suddenly only have one option now. stay. because leaving is a dark void now. used to have hope there were brighter days ahead , guess i'll jsut have to take what i get. maybe one day he'll love me fro me again. apparently hes' the only one left who will. even if it hurts me guess its better than some of the other options out there. yay!



to whoever reads this sorry i'm really hurt and really confused right now. too many blows in too little time. bam bam bam KO. yay! boils down to
i'm not good enough for anyone
my answers are not fast enough
i'm not supposed to feel or have insecurities
i'm too much of a bitch (depsite me warning of that very thing)
i'm jsut not pretty enough to be beautiful
this is my pity party for one
apparently i'm so easy to leave you dont' even have to walk away in front of me. one or two sentences online is good enough or hell in a text
its ok to lie to me i forgive you anyway
thats fine go ahead twist that knife harder i'll forgive you in the end
even all i am is not enough
no one ever wants the rough edges they jsut want miss merry sunshine
migraines = too much stress(so do sick babies and being sick for more than a week)
i hate crying i really do
its three am and i have class in 6 hours
i hurt and i can't figure out how to make it better this time.
i really want to go running in the rain
my bed is too big and empty

of course now i'm babbling and th ebaby is crying again...fuck this noise i'm going to bed.....bring on the soggy pillow

you hold me right there right now

so the man with the plan called just to tell me he loved me and he was sorry for being such an ass all the time. that he knows i should just walk away and never look back, but that i love him too much. told me he was goign to try harder to be the man i deserve and that he hopes all my dreams get to come true too. i almsot fell tot he floor i was so shocked. here i have been waiting for the next blow, the other shoe to fall and he comes out with that. he also apologized for not gettign me anythign for v-day. no big worry there but i dunno it kind hurt, because h had left the day before. but i'm under the impression he will one up valentines when he comes home. we're goign back to padre for our 3 year anniversary, his idea not mine. i'm so excited like you have no idea. The man i married is no longer a figmant of my imagination, hes now the man i'm married to. lot of shit has hit the fan the past few days..what with a man i trusted with my everything lied to me and used his career to cover it up..guess i know who my true friends are now...even if i never see any of them and hardly talk to them anymore. they are still true. but i digress...my husband loves me, all of me. i hope he keeps smoking whatever he's smoking, because i like this turn around in him. planning for down the road and listening to what i have to say and not picking a fight every time we butt heads. so excited...i'm blathering now...in other news keegan is still huge...but still not walking. he is sick again...while on antibiotics so i'm worried about that. hopefully its jsut a bug and he'll be fine tomorrow. time to start hunting down a smaller daycare. he came home with a floor scratch on his face and elbows,but when i picked him up no one could tell me what happened....that made me angry. then today i had to pick him up because he had a fever, and there were flies int eh room where he usually is...flying around the sippy cups. and the floors are filthy..he crawls so he's going through all his clothes in one day. i dunno. hopefully there is an opening at the day care across from the school, even if it means less hours at work or whatever. not keeping him at the other place past the end of semester if i can help it...blarg. lot longer than i thought it would be...

anyway

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying


Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard


I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

Dusk and Summer

to the tanker, if you ever stumble upon this post...you are loved very deeply and no matte what you decide i will stand by you. as friend or as shadow. i meant it when i said that. i've tried to hate you but that hurt worse than what i already felt at the loss of you. know that my tears will dry and my heart will heal some but there will be a tank size hole waiting. you are my best friend no matte rwaht kind of situation we find ourselves in. like i said if you continue on this path you have chosen, we will get thourgh it one way or the other, even if we have to pretend to hate eachother and wait like before.and i will always find some sneaky way to contact you. wild horses wouldnt' drag me away, what makes you think they can make me stay away? you're my hero don't forget that. stay strong. remember the good times forget the tears. it will make it easier. love you really truly.thank you for risking too much to reach me.. let me know if you can.....i'll be waiting Always Faithful


everyone else...sorry about the insanity i will explain more later when i know more...love you guys. Val don't kill anyone with them crazy prego hormones =D



for some reason this song fits my mood righ thtis second among a couple others

She smiled in a big way, the way a girl like that smiles
When the world is hers and she held your eyes
Out in the breezeway down by the shore in the lazy summer
And she pulled you in, and she bit your lip, and she made you hers
She looked deep into you as you lay together quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer

But you've already lost (x3)
When you only had barely enough to hang on

And she combed your hair, and she kissed your TEETH
And she made you better than you'd been before
She told you bad things you wished you could change in the lazy summer
And she told you, laughing down to her core, so she would not cry as she lay in your lap
She said "nobody here can live forever, quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer"

But you've already lost(x3)
When you only had barely enough to hang on

She said, "no one is alone the way you are alone"
And you held her looser than you would have if you ever could have known
Some things tie your life together, slender threads and things to treasure
Days like that should last and last and last

But you've already lost(x3)
When you only had barely enough of her to
Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on

where to begin really?

not even sure how i feel yet so how can i tell anyone else? the man with the plan was home for less than two weeks, but it wasn't all bad. i only managed to cry once, and well i deserved to. he is on his way back to the hell hole of sand again, should be in country sometime today or tomorrow. i dunno haven't hear anything since 15 minutes before his plane left. i watched that plane til i couldnt' see it anymore. and yes i cried most of the way home. at least we had fun that last day, bowling bbq and ice cream. and whats awesome? he wasn't even antisocial at keegans party/ =) but that is on the more recent end of things. the weekend before he came home i had the best night i've had in years. got to see adam and get smashed downtown. i loved it. wish i could go again, even without the drinking it would be epic. keegan came home a couple days after that. and omg he's huge. he says open and yellow and on and off...and so much more. he's still not walking but we are working on it a bit more. he starts day care tuesday so that should help. and jason flew in on the lil mans birthday. hard to believe he is already two. we took him for a haircut, and he looks like a boy now. lol. we had his party that saturday and let me tell you what he was fully spoiled, wish some more peopel had showed, but ti was a good group. my two closest friends were there Adam and Kristel. it was good. next week kind of passed in ablur and here i am. i feel disconnected and out of it, can't seem to form a coherent thought. was jsut told i'm being "erased" for lack of a better word. my best friend of nearly 4 years has to cut me off from contacting him. i can live without him but i'll be miserable at best. i jsut hurt from it and there is no real explanation yet. maybe i will try posting again later when my brain works


sorry this went worse than i thought it would

Full Steam Ahead with No Fuel

Hurricane. Tornado. Whirlwind....These things seem to describe how i feel about my life right now. Everything seems to be spinning out of control, but at the same time its not. Finally rediscovering myself, and getting back on tract. Starting to see the last of the boxes at the house, months after i wanted to be done. Oh well it will be done soon I hope. Classes started with a huge swish on the 20th and i haven't found my feet since. I love it don't get me wrong, just wish i had more sleep. lol Does not help they are building right behind my house and they start hammering an hour before my first alarm. Sucks. Oh well i suppose. Keegan will be home this coming weekend. Hard to believe its already been a month since i saw him, but i honestly needed that break. Was able to stumble away from the edge, finally. Things would be a lot worse right now if it hadn't been for my Aunts. Even fighting less with Jason...actually not fighting at all. WE had our last "argument" two days after Christmas, and well i let him have it this time. I'm glad fro whatever got through to him this time. Probably help him finally realizing i needed to find my feet again before i could walk forward. Either way I'm happier now than i have been in almost 2 and half years... Finding and getting back in touch with friends i thought i lost, or ones i shut out. That right there is a wonderful feeling. Soon i hope to have at least touched base with those that mean the world to me. It in my opinion will make life brighter, knowing i can reach out and someone will be there, even if they are hours away. Its different being so far from everyone up here. I don't regret it, just i get lonely up here by myself all the time. But the next couple weeks will be awesome i think. Jason flies in on the 3rd for two weeks. Its better than nothing and i will take what i get. Sure i still have classes but for a short time he will be home. Haven't looked forward to seeing him this much, well since the first month of his first deployment. Sad to say that but ti was some bad times back then. Things are epically better now. Its a new life and i will take it for all its worth. Never know what changes are in store for me, for us as a family. Looking forward to the 7th, even if no one really makes it. Keegans birthday party should be awesome anyway. Hard to believe he is two already. Time for his first haircut, and a new daycare. Was told he fed himself breakfast this morning, and he is talking more now. Still not walking yet but soon. In other baby news, one of my closest friends just had her little boy Bryson. he is so adorable, can't wait to meet him in person. And turns out the awesome family is having a baby too. So excited for them. Can't wait to get her a bunch of useless mommy pampering stuff =) you better believe it ma'am. and I've just realized how much i have really written. lord didn't think i still had rambling bloggin in me. lol Maybe an update in a few days when the dust settles a bit around here. Probably after this weekend. Going downtown Austin with Adam , who i have not talked to in ages til recently . So excited pretty sure the rest of the fam will be there too as its Stefs birthday. it will be a good time and a wonderful night. Good people will be there so definitely worth the drive =D. well word wall you later loves!